I have body issues. I am going to admit it. When I was younger I was told that I was too skinny. During nursing school I gained weight and was told I needed to lose weight. That didn’t happen and I got pregnant with my daughter, which gave me stretch marks all over my stomach and legs. If I see myself in a full size mirror, either in clothes or out of clothes, I think I look awful and disgusting.
I know I need to lose weight, but I don’t know that it would help with the body issues I have. I try not to shame myself in front of my daughter though because I don’t want her to think of herself as too skinny or too fat or ugly.
I recently noticed that my husband was not complimenting me like he had in the past. I confronted him about it one day. He really didn’t say much about it. When I said something a couple of days later he said “well if I say something now you will just say it’s because you told me to and not because I mean it”.
I decided he was probably right, so I just left it alone.
Then, one night, after he got home from work, we were eating dinner and he just looked at me and said “you’re glowing”.
Instantly I jumped to conclusions.
“What do you mean?”
“You mean I look greasy? I showered this morning.”
“Do you mean I look pregnant? I better not be I don’t want another baby right now.”
“Would you tell me how I look glowing?”
He responded simply, “that’s how you take a compliment?”
That is when it hit me, I have such a bad view of my own body that I don’t think anyone else can think of me a pretty or beautiful like he does.
This is what I do every time he compliments me, it doesn’t matter if it’s on my looks or my cooking. I analyze it, I have to know what he means and I instantly think he means something mean or bad. He isn’t one to express his feelings so when I shot down his attempts to compliment me he just shut down. This is why he doesn’t compliment me anymore, he didn’t see the point if I didn’t believe him anyway.
In the most recent instance, he meant nothing more than to tell me I was beautiful.
Once I realized what I had done, I instantly apologized. I told him that I would try to do better and just take the compliments he offered. I told him that I understand that he does see me as beautiful, even if I don’t see myself as beautiful.
I am going to try to look at things differently from now on. I am going to work out and take better care of myself, but at the same time I am going to try to look at myself through the eyes of my husband. I am going to try to see myself as he sees me.
Even better, I am going to stop judging myself based on my flaws.
When I look in the mirror and see the extra fat around my stomach and legs, instead of seeing fat I am going to see 3 years of nursing school, stress, and limited funds which lead to eating unhealthy meals, but also lead to me being a nurse, one of my greatest accomplishments. I will also see the fact that I love to bake and I am actually a very good baker.
When I see the stretch marks and extra skin I will know that those are the result of giving life to my beautiful daughter. My body went through a lot to create life and anything that comes as the result of that is nothing to be ashamed of.
These are the things my husband sees when he looks at me. He sees a strong woman who made it through nursing school and gave him a beautiful daughter who also loves to bake, he doesn’t see fat and stretch marks.
I am going to stop focusing on having a rock star or model body and just love the body I have.
How about you? Do you have trouble accepting a compliment?